For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. -Isaiah 55:8

I have a snarky side that I am afraid I can no longer hide. It usually comes out when I feel inadequate. It is probably a fight or flight thing, but most of the time I keep it well hidden from the public at large. I try to keep it at bay because it is not necessarily attractive, and it always involves my mouth engaging before my brain can possibly realize what is happening.

Jonah was a prophet, and if you ask me, he was a disaster. Although other prophets had wanted to quit at one point or another, Jonah took it one step further and literally ran in the other direction. Jonah was supposed to go to Nineveh, the great Assyrian city, and call the people to repentance. Instead, he went to Joppa, booked a ticket on the first ship out of town and headed to Tarshish. That’s like taking a trip from Richmond, Virginia to Eugene, Oregon when you’re supposed to go to Portland, Maine.

You cannot hide from God. It is impossible. Jonah discovered this when he ended up as the blue plate special for an enormous fish. With no other option, Jonah prayed to God for deliverance. I would too, if I didn’t die from fright first. God was merciful, and even though Jonah’s prayer was still all about him, God caused the fish to regurgitate Jonah in an ignominious display onto dry land.

Jonah (after hopefully taking a bath) then arose and went to Nineveh where he brought the message of repentance to the people there. They listened and repented, releasing the wrath of God’s judgment from upon them. This made Jonah mad. He still didn’t get it.

Several months ago, God gave me a task. I did not like it. I will not go into detail yet, but I will tell you that it was last thing on this planet that I would have thought He would ask me to do, and it was the last thing I wanted to do.

I already have a map of what my ministry is supposed to look like. It’s all color coded, and it has a little key in the bottom right corner to reference each step I plan to take. I don’t have a map for the assignment God has given me.

I’m not up to it. I have a family, I am not trained in this area, I cannot identify with those He wants me to serve, I cannot control my tongue, and I say inappropriate things all the time. Seriously. I have to carry around a mop.

For example, when Julia was little, and I was still working, I was talking to another teacher about her name. I went on and on about how I hoped she would stick with Julia and never shorten it to Julie. “I’m not crazy about Julie,” I said. “It’s too common,” I said. The teacher’s name was Julie. To this day, I cannot figure out why we are no longer Facebook friends.

When God first revealed His will for me, I decided that this was a calling for the future. The distant future. I tucked it on the bookshelf of my heart and went on about my life. Then I discovered I was still devoid of any real progress in the area of ministry, and still wondering why I felt so blocked. Duh.

I had dismissed the idea of attending this conference. It was six hours away and more money than I wanted to spend. After Brian received an unexpected check to cover the expenses, he told me to register. Registration was closed. Then I discovered that registration had been extended. Meant to be, I reasoned. As I got in the car, I still had no earthly idea why I was going.

Then I got there. God told me again what He wanted me to do. NO. NO. NO. The conference was all about following your God dream, and I’m like, Dream? This is no dream. I looked around and everyone was clapping gleefully. I could only think one thing. Where is my feel good ministry? Can I stick my hand back in the fishbowl of callings and pick a different one?

So, I unloaded on a poor unsuspecting soul at the conference in a way that I am certain made her question my emotional stability, and left me with eyes so red and burning that it was a good thing I did not get pulled over on the way home. “You’re going to Nineveh,” she said. “Yes. I am,” I sniffled.

Just like Jonah, I am scared of the unknown. But, I will go. I will go because God’s silence is far more devastating than the fear I feel from His call. I will go because I really have nothing to fear when He is calling. He equips, and He goes with us. We must listen. There is no time to waste. I’m just going to have to give it up sister.